Where Gentlemen Fear to Tread . . . and With Good Reason

La Belle Dame sans Merci by Sir Frank Dicksee

As a young man engaged, every request for assistance from my true love was yet another opportunity to shine, another chance to be the white knight riding once again to the rescue, and I loved every moment.

Except for the time she asked me to buy panties.

It was the day of her roommate’s wedding. As both a bridesmaid and a roommate, Nancy had spent the previous week or more busily assisting with this task and that, running errands, and serving as emotional support during the occasional moments of high-level bride stress. So she’d had little time to attend to her own To Do list. Looking it over only hours before the big event, she saw one unchecked item: panties. Apparently her dress required some sort of make or model or something that she didn’t have. But the hands on the clock clearly indicated that she would never get them in time herself, and the dark cloud of hosiery horror loomed ominously on the horizon.

But our heroine was undaunted. For just over the freeway, a short phone call away, lived Her Prince.

“Darling,” she cooed into the phone.
“My angel, light of my life,” I bellowed, “how can I be of service? You have only to speak it…” blah, blah, blah.
And the fateful word crossed her lovely lips.
“Panties,” she said.
Pause.
“Panties?” I asked.
“Panties,” she repeated. “But you must be quick, my love, for the carriage leaves at noon. Find something nice, you know, something sweet and feminine. I’m sure you’ll do fine. Ta!” And with a kiss, she was away.
And so was Her Prince. Away, she thought, on a simple errand. But in truth, away to the land he had avoided with fear all the days of his youth, the land of his nightmares, where he must now enter and stay, until he could bring back his true love’s desire. The land of every knight’s deepest dread: the forbidden land of Intimate Apparel.

More tomorrow . . .